Efficiency Shouldn’t Win Out Over Etiquette

Posted on March 12, 2013 by Karen Cleveland

When I read Nick Bilton’s piece Disruptions: Digital Era Redefining Etiquette, from my smart phone, in between replying to texts, I felt sad. A little sad for Nick’s friends who are now probably terrified to ever call him to catch up (gasp, such precious time wasted) but also a bit sad for someone who read it and thought, “this makes sense to me. I shouldn’t clog someone’s inbox with a thank you email. I will stop sending them.” Not so fast. Really, slow down.

Send those thank you emails. Send them liberally and sincerely.

Bilton suggests a continuum that suggests the more interaction required, the more taxing (and rude) that interaction must be. Therefore, efficiency and minimal interaction surely must be the apex of good etiquette. But etiquette has never been about efficiency. That’s why there are so many forks and fussy rules on how to use them. That is also why the art of penning a well-thought thank you note has never been more important. It’s not time wasted. It’s time invested.

And while efficiency is key, particularly in a business capacity (I too like doing business with smart people who are respectful of my time), I also appreciate doing business with nice people. Kindness and thoughtfulness go a long way in building and maintaining relationships, a distance that efficiency alone cannot.

Not every medium is conducive to the same degree of communications. Texting, email, phone calls, face-to-faces meetings and Twitter (as Bilton’s mom can attest to, he explains this is how they keep in touch) all have a role but they are not fungible. You can’t take out a phone conversation and plug in a Tweet as a replacement and not expect to loss some substance.

There are no “time wasting forms of communication,” just poorly chosen forms for certain occasions.

(First published on The Huffington Post Canada, March 2013)

The well-mannered year ahead: Kick off 2013 with some very polite resolutions

Posted on December 31, 2012 by Karen Cleveland

Karen Cleveland, Special to National Post

You don’t have to use a quill and inkwell, but handwritten thank-you notes will make all the difference in 2013.

Diets, schmiets. Such pedestrian resolutions are usually gone by spring, anyway. Reign in the unrealistic ambition and instead, consider your crisp new calendar the perfect opportunity to really commit to a better year. Karen Cleveland shares her tips on how to make 2013 your most polished, charmed, best year yet, one month at a time.

January: Give the consummate toast
The most memorable toasts are concise, eloquent and convey just the right amount of emotion. Start by surveying the scene. Everyone have a drink? Stand and clear your throat, or move to a more visible area to get their attention. Make your intentions known in a clear, confidence voice (fake one, if you lack one). “Thank you for coming, I’d like to raise a glass to [insert subject or occasion of your toast here].” Say a few kind words about your subject, then raise your glass higher and repeat the toastee’s name. People will drink on your cue. Purists don’t clink, they merely raise glasses. Larger audiences logistically prohibit a clink and eye contact with every single guest, so just do your best. If you are the subject being toasted, lucky you! Do not drink to yourself — simply sit back and revel in the moment.

February: Upgrade from emails to handwritten notes
I know, email is so much more convenient than sitting down to write notes by hand, but the same could be said of paper plates over dishes. Paper and handwriting is just, well, nicer. Stockpile some great stationary that you are actually excited to use and a surplus of stamps. Grab some scrap paper to scribble what you want to write and test out your pen. A good note should address the recipient (Dear friend), touch on the occasion (“Thank you for hosting an excellent dinner”) and any specifics (“Sorry again about that red wine incident, it’s a late Christmas miracle that it came out of the carpet”) and close with a fitting sign off (“Looking forward to returning your hospitality, Sincerely, you’). Sure, you could put this in an email, but doesn’t the medium elevate the message?

March: Make your bed every morning, all month
Making your bed is a metaphor. It sends a signal to the universe, and to yourself, that you set aside few moments of each day to add some order to your life. No matter how hellish your day was, you can take solace in knowing there is a tiny little sliver of civility waiting for you, in the form of a crisply made bed. Do it for a month and see how you feel. Such small daily rituals can set the tone for other things in life. Whether that tiny ritual is making your bed, in the morning, not going to sleep with a sink full of dirty dishes, or not using your front entrance way as a dumping ground, relish in some little practices that honour your nest.

April: Spring clean your online persona
If someone were to Google you right now, or creep your Facebook, Twitter or LinkedIn profile, what would they find? Years ago, before the marvels of social media, we lived private lives and actively chose what parts of ourselves we wanted to make public. Today that model is totally inverted. Take care of your online reputation in the same delicate way that you would your offline persona. Do some digging and relentlessly edit, untag and delete until you are happy with your online image.

May: Edit your closet
This is a considerable task to undertake but a gratifying and important one. Set aside a weekend day. Begin by taking everything out of your wardrobe and sorting it into three piles. Pile one is for things you regularly wear and that are in good repair. A second pile is for things that you want to wear, but need some love. The final pile is for items fit to donate or if they are beyond that, shred into rags. Remove this third pile from your home immediately, as you’ll be instantly more motivated with a good purge under your belt. Take things to be mended, pressed, polished or sewn as needed, then put everything back into your wardrobe in a state that it is ready to be worn. Rotate items so forgotten pieces get their due, and if space is an issue, store your fall and winter items separately (under the bed storage boxes to the rescue).You’ll likely realize that most of the items you pitched were things you never really needed to buy, or they were of such poor quality, they fell apart. Shop smart by sticking to well-made things that you’ll actually wear, and that are on point with your social and professional life.

June: Make memorable introductions
Your dazzling handshake should be accompanied by your first and last name when introducing yourself. If you struggle remembering names, try repeating the name of the person you just met (“nice to meet you, Robin”). You can try to draw some recall connections, like reminding yourself that Robin is wearing red. When introducing two people, introduce up. If you introducing your intern to you president, you would say, “President, may I introduce you to our newest intern, John”. A person of high rank, importance or seniority (I know, I cringe at that too) is named first and receives the introduction. If you are introducing two peers that haven’t met, providing some context can help the conversation along. For example, “I’ve been meaning to introduce you. John, meet Mike. You both spent time in Italy last year.”

July: Be the best damn cottage guest
Charm your hosts so much and you just might score invitations for every weekend until Labour Day. Confirm what time you should arrive so you don’t surprise your hosts and arrive with something awesome for them. Help with meal preparations and clean up and make your stay as least invasive as possible. That means not taking over the entire bathroom vanity, hijacking the iPod with your music or leaving your wet towel and stack of magazines on the dock. Thank your hosts for having you with a thoughtful handwritten note, which you mastered back in February, right?

August: Throw an “oh, it’s nothing” weeknight dinner party
Summer entertaining is inherently casual, so ever an intimidated host can pull together a Wednesday night dinner party with ease. Gorgeous fresh produce, BBQs and long, lazy nights beckon for unfussy dinners. Invite your guests a week or so out, then use that week to set aside mini tasks. Shop for beer and wine one night, stock up on ice the next, buy flowers the night before, and before you know it, the night of your dinner will only need your actual meal preparation. Grill everything you possibly can: some bread to serve with a salad to start, fish, meat, veggies or pizza for a main, then some fruit (serve over ice cream) for dessert. A bucket of beer and wine on ice within arm’s reach, a plethora of white candles and a laid-back soundtrack for the night and you’re set. Best part of grilling your entire meal? Very few dishes to wash up.

September: Pour the perfect cocktail
Chalk it up to the revelry of TIFF or the siren call of comfort cocktails, but when temperatures dip, I’m ready for a proper drink. Master a classic cocktail that you like to drink, perhaps an Old Fashioned, Tom Collins, Manhattan or Negroni. Stock up on quality ingredients and barware then enlist a trusted group of tasters to sample your concoctions. Warning: your skills are bound to improve with every round you serve them: it’s just science. Feel free to tinker with a trusted recipe, but only after you’ve mastered the purist’s version.

October: Nail a power lunch (or breakfast, or dinner)
Breaking bread with a client can galvanize a relationship. Or ruin it. Pick a date and time first, then choose a venue that is reputable, conducive to talking business and conveniently located for your guest. Make a reservation. If you are going to try for a table at a hotspot that doesn’t take reservations, get there very, very early as not to keep your guest waiting twenty minutes for a table. Give them the better seat at the table and keep your phone off of the table. Instagramming your meal is verboten. Settle into some small talk (read the headlines that day) before delving into shop talk. When the bill comes, they who did the inviting typically grabs the cheque, but to hell with that custom if grabbing the bill saves you from an awkward moment. Follow up from your meal with whatever you promised you would and if it seems natural, touch on something non-business related, for example, “thanks for your time over lunch, Nicole. Attached is the concept we discussed. Have a great time at the Brickworks this weekend with your daughter.”

November: Call in sick like a grownup
Cold and flu season isn’t fun for anyone, so coming to work when you are knowingly contagious is a cardinal sin. Spare your colleagues from your gnarly germs by staying home. Call or email your boss explaining that you are staying home sick for the day (text message is likely too casual a medium to convey this). Touch on who-can-cover-off-what in your absence, and if you hazard a guess, say when you expect to be back in fine fighting form. No need to go into gory details, but a cursory descriptor of what ails you should suffice.

December: Indulge in a bit of the good life
In a month saturated with shopping and hosting others, what is the harm in picking up a little something for yourself? Treat yourself to something that your heart desires. Surely those lovely sheets, fancy stemware or decadent bottle of scotch will benefit your guests just as much as you, right? ‘Tis the season!

(Published first in the National Post, December 2012)

What’s ‘cocktail’ attire?

Posted on November 12, 2012 by Karen Cleveland

What does it mean when a party invite stipulates ‘cocktail’ attire?

Of all of life’s enigmas, dress codes can be the most difficult to crack. And the festive season brings a deluge of societal invitations, many of them seemingly crafted by a U-boat’s encryption specialist. When a party planner specifies “holiday formal” or “smart casual,” she might as well be demanding “late-period Etruscan.” Fortunately, the vagueness of “cocktail attire” belies its rather straightforward meaning. For gentlemen, the standard uniform is a dark suit, crisp dress shirt of a solid colour or subtle pattern, a tie and dress shoes. For women, this is an occasion to wear what Mrs. McArdle describes as “a little black dress.” Remember that cocktail functions are a time for refinement, not excess. As etiquette expert Karen Cleveland wisely advised me: “You don’t want to be the flashiest person in the room, but you don’t want to be the most underdressed. You just want to look really well put together.” To “gussy” oneself up, Cleveland, proprietor of the excellent Finishing School blog, advises gents to consider a nice pocket square or a pair of great cufflinks, while ladies can take their pick of jewelry. But please, convey holiday cheer through actions, not fashion. “You don’t want to be pulling out the reindeer sweater your grandmother gave you,” says Cleveland. “Exercise good sartorial judgment.” Words that wise should be printed on a T-shirt.

Need advice? Want to settle a debate? Go ahead, ask McArdle anything: Askmcardle@canadianbusiness.com

Illustration by Peter Arkle

(First published in Canadian Business, November 2012)

Why Your Company Should Consider Topless Meetings

Posted on October 13, 2012 by Karen Cleveland

A friend of mine, Max Valiquette, introduced me to the term “topless meetings.” Before you forward this to your HR manager, the expression refers to a tabletop staying free of devices during meetings. No laptops. No iPhones. No iPads. No Blackberries. Nothing that requires a charge.

The idea underpinning device-free meetings is that such gadgets can prove more distracting than helpful. Ever had to reiterate a point because it was lost on someone reading an email (or checking Twitter, or any other activity our handhelds gloriously afford)? Or worse, had to ask for clarification because you were more caught up in your iPhone than the discussion? Therein lies the case for banning devices from meetings.

How meetings are conducted varies widely by company, and drastically by sector. So before crafting a memo lobbying for (or against) topless meetings, take careful stock of how meetings go down in your office, and of course, how critical your device is to your role.

When you pack up for your next meeting and look longingly at your phone, consider…

Are you chairing the meeting?

Permissible to bring your device, but plan to talk. A lot. If you are easily tempted to check your phone to the point it may affect your ability to lead the meeting, perhaps leave it at your desk.

Are you responsible for taking notes and sending a follow up?

Your task requires full concentration, so take notes eagerly. Having a calendar might be handy for follow up scheduling purposes, so be ready to whip one (electronic or paper) out.

Room full of clients or a very serious meeting topic?

Writing notes by hand sends an obvious signal to those around the table that you’re fully present. If taking notes on a phone, they might (might!) wonder if you’re working or playing as you type a

Is your name on the company plaque out front?

By all means. Do whatever you like, boss.

Whether your phone stays on the table in front of you, or tucked away at your desk, be mindful of the chorus of rings and beeps it sends off. Silent or whisper quiet tones are office friendly. And check your settings to see whether your phone previews text that might not be ideal for the office.

(First published on The Huffington Post Canada, October 2012)

All devices off of the table

Posted on October 13, 2012 by Karen Cleveland

(A friend of mine introduced me to the term “topless meetings”. Before you forward this to your HR manager, the expression refers to a tabletop staying free of devices during meetings. No laptops. No iPhones. No iPads. No Blackberries. Nothing that requires a charge. The idea underpinning device-free meetings is that such gadgets can prove more distracting than helpful. Ever had to reiterate a point because it was lost on someone reading an email (or checking Twitter, or any other activity our handhelds gloriously afford)? Or worse, had to ask for clarification because you were more caught up in your iPhone than the discussion? Therein lays the case for banning devices from meetings.

When you pack up for your next meeting and look longingly at your phone, consider…

Are you chairing the meeting?

Permissible to bring your device, but plan to talk. A lot. If you are easily tempted to check your phone to the point it may affect your ability to lead the meeting, perhaps leave it at your desk.

Are you responsible for taking notes and sending a follow up?

Your task requires full concentration, so take notes eagerly. Having a calendar might be handy for follow up scheduling purposes, so be ready to whip one (electronic or paper) out.

Room full of clients or a very serious meeting topic?

Writing notes by hand sends an obvious signal to those around the table that you’re fully present. If taking notes on a phone, they might (might!) wonder if you’re working or playing as you type away.

Is your name on the company plague out front?

By all means. Do whatever you like, boss.

(First published on She Does The City, October 2012)

Suiting Up When the Temperature is Up

Posted on May 24, 2012 by Karen Cleveland

It seems naturally easier to look and dress more professionally in the fall and winter, when conditions beckon us to cover up in layers of wool and knits. While my heart aches for the gentlemen I pass on my morning commute, braving scorching hot days in dark suits (while making it look so handsome), it is possible to feel comfortable and look pulled together during the warmer months.

If you are in an active job or commute to the office on foot, a pair of stilettos might not make sense for an entire day. That doesn’t, however, mean the same shoes worn to mow the lawn on the weekend are the answer. A pretty pair of flats or loafers are both functional and chic for the office, or for commuting.
Work-worthy fabrics shouldn’t be too sheer or tight (check in natural lighting to see if your underthings are showing through). Ensure that the neckline and sleeve-cut mitigate any rogue bra straps from peeking out.
Keep a basic blazer at the office and toss it on when the air conditioning is cranked, or when a meeting calls for it. In the same vein that leggings are not pants (they aren’t), camisoles are not tops.
Fewer things ruin an otherwise polished look than seeing someone who can’t walk in her heels. Only buy shoes that you can comfortably get around in. Feet should be kept groomed and neat — otherwise please don’t show them.
Open-toe shoes are often verboten in very corporate environments, though an inventory around the office or a scan of your HR policy should confirm if they are welcome at yours. If there’s a green light on open-toe shoes, they should still be office appropriate, so no flip flops, or strappy stilettos — nothing too beachy or cocktail-party.
Skirts and dresses can fit differently without tights on underneath. Try them on to check they aren’t too sheer or too short to be worn with bare legs to the office. If you can sit comfortably in a skirt without having to tug at the hemline, then it is likely a good length — and that is usually an inch or so above the knee. If you are braving a hemline that is a bit shorter (please, not too much shorter at the office), keep the rest of your outfit and shoes more modest to balance the look.
If the idea of adding powder to your face on a hot day feels icky, try blotting papers instead to soak up grease and freshen up.

(First published on The Huffington Post Canada, May 2012)

Office attire for the dog days of summer

Posted on May 24, 2012 by Karen Cleveland

Office attire for the dog days of summer

The summer blazer of our dreams: Smythe Pajama Blazer in Cobalt. WANT!

Fall and winter in Canada beckon for wools and knits—dressing for the office is a cinch. And while my heart aches for the Bay Street gentlemen I pass on my morning commute, braving scorching days in head-to-toe wool while looking so handsome in those well cut suits, it is possible to feel comfortable and look pulled together during the warmer months.

If you are in an active job or walk to work, a pair of teetering heels don’t make sense. That doesn’t mean the same flips flops worn puttering around on the weekend are the answer, either. A pretty pair of flats or loafers are both functional and chic for the office, or for commuting.
Work-worthy fabrics shouldn’t be too sheer or tight (check in natural lighting to see if your underthings are showing through). Ensure that the neckline and sleeve cut mitigate any rogue bra straps from peeking out and find a bra that has souped up straps you can move around.
Keep a basic blazer or cardigan at the office and toss it on when the A.C. is cranked, or when a meeting calls for it. In the same way that leggings are not pants (they aren’t), camisoles are not tops – they are lingerie.
Fewer things ruin an otherwise polished look more than seeing someone who can’t walk in her heels. Only buy shoes that you can comfortably get around in. Feet should be kept groomed and neat, otherwise, please, don’t show them. No gnarly calluses or chipped polish.
Open toe shoes are often verboten in very corporate environments, though an inventory around the office or a scan of your HR policy should confirm if they are welcome at yours. If there’s a green light on open toe shoes, they should still be office appropriate, so no flip flops, or strappy stilettos—nothing too beachy or cocktaily.
Skirts and dresses can sit differently without tights on underneath. Try them on to check they aren’t too sheer or too short to be worn with bare legs to the office. If you can sit comfortably in a skirt without having to tug at the hemline, then it is likely a good length—and that is usually an inch or so above the knee. If you are braving a hemline that is a bit shorter (please, not *too* much shorter at the office), keep the rest of your outfit and shoes more modest to balance the look.
If the idea of adding powder to your face on a hot day feels icky, try blotting papers instead to soak up grease and freshen up.

(First published on She Does The City, May 2012)