Efficiency Shouldn’t Win Out Over Etiquette

Posted on March 12, 2013 by Karen Cleveland

When I read Nick Bilton’s piece Disruptions: Digital Era Redefining Etiquette, from my smart phone, in between replying to texts, I felt sad. A little sad for Nick’s friends who are now probably terrified to ever call him to catch up (gasp, such precious time wasted) but also a bit sad for someone who read it and thought, “this makes sense to me. I shouldn’t clog someone’s inbox with a thank you email. I will stop sending them.” Not so fast. Really, slow down.

Send those thank you emails. Send them liberally and sincerely.

Bilton suggests a continuum that suggests the more interaction required, the more taxing (and rude) that interaction must be. Therefore, efficiency and minimal interaction surely must be the apex of good etiquette. But etiquette has never been about efficiency. That’s why there are so many forks and fussy rules on how to use them. That is also why the art of penning a well-thought thank you note has never been more important. It’s not time wasted. It’s time invested.

And while efficiency is key, particularly in a business capacity (I too like doing business with smart people who are respectful of my time), I also appreciate doing business with nice people. Kindness and thoughtfulness go a long way in building and maintaining relationships, a distance that efficiency alone cannot.

Not every medium is conducive to the same degree of communications. Texting, email, phone calls, face-to-faces meetings and Twitter (as Bilton’s mom can attest to, he explains this is how they keep in touch) all have a role but they are not fungible. You can’t take out a phone conversation and plug in a Tweet as a replacement and not expect to loss some substance.

There are no “time wasting forms of communication,” just poorly chosen forms for certain occasions.

(First published on The Huffington Post Canada, March 2013)

Global News Morning – holiday hosting

Posted on November 21, 2012 by Karen Cleveland

Holiday hosting advice

How to share in a religious celebration – while avoiding awkward moments

Posted on April 5, 2012 by Karen Cleveland

by Wency Leung

You may not believe in God, but your Aunt Marge does. So when she invites you over for a holiday meal, should you participate in the family’s religious rituals and prayers, or risk offending your host?

Whether it’s Easter dinner, Passover, a wedding or bar mitzvah, certain gatherings can get awkward when guests and hosts don’t share the same faith. But it doesn’t have to be that way.

We asked authorities of good behaviour how both guests and hosts can happily celebrate without embarrassing themselves or infringing on each others’ beliefs. Here, they offer their advice:

FOR GUESTS

Do your homework: If you don’t know what’s appropriate or what to expect, find out before you go. On certain occasions, for example, it may not be fitting to bring gifts. On others, it may be frowned upon to show up empty-handed.

“It’s like if you travel to another country,” says Suzanne Nourse, founder and director of The Protocol School of Ottawa. “You have a responsibility to do your homework, so you don’t go to the Middle East in short shorts and a tank top.”

Have an open mind: You may never become a convert, but be willing, at least, to explore what others’ rituals and beliefs entail, says Margaret Page, founder and director of Etiquette Page in Vancouver.

“Obviously, you have something in common because you’ve been invited,” she says.

Besides, Ms. Page adds, you never know. You may come away with a different perspective, or a better understanding of a particular belief system.

Keep your objections to yourself: “Silently respect the host’s observation,” says Toronto etiquette expert Karen Cleveland. “That’s a hard rule.”

Someone else’s event is not the forum to tout your religious differences, she says.

And don’t just keep your comments to yourself, Ms. Nourse adds. Eye-rolling and hostile body language are no-no’s as well.

“If you feel so strongly against something, then don’t go,” Ms. Nourse says. And if you do decide to go, consider it an honour.

Know the difference between active and passive participation: During prayers, go ahead and bow your head as a sign of respect, Ms. Cleveland says. But you needn’t go beyond that. “You’re not doing anything active. You’re not repeating words, you’re not saying a prayer, you’re not participating in any sort of religious activity.”

Should you fake it? “I think to each their own,” Ms. Cleveland says, noting that she has attended various weddings in the past, in which she’s been moved to repeat a prayer, just because it felt convivial. “I suppose it just depends on where your convictions lie.”

FOR HOSTS

Make it easy for your guests: If you know your guests aren’t familiar with your customs, prepare them for what to expect, Ms. Nourse says. They’ll appreciate it if you give them a heads-up about any dress codes or taboos.

Don’t be pushy: “Where we see challenges is when people become forceful, when they want this other person to see things the way they see things,” says Ms. Page.

Let your guest determine how much they want to know about your beliefs. Give them the opportunity to ask questions, she says. Don’t bombard them with what you’d like them to know. “Otherwise, [you] scare them.”

Let guests choose how they want to participate: If a guest wants to be a silent observer, so be it, Ms. Cleveland says. “I think an excellent metaphor might be if you’re having vegetarian dinner guests, would you insist on having steak?”

At the same time, she says, carry on with your plans and with how you celebrate the occasion. There’s no need to go out of your way to accommodate. For instance, when drawing up the guest list, she says, “I wouldn’t worry about doing a mental tally of various sects to make sure [no one feels left out].”

If you’re having overnight guests, and you don’t know what to do with them when it’s time to go to church, synagogue or the mosque, let them know your plans. “Say, ‘Look, we’re headed to Mass at 10 a.m. if you’d like to join us. If not, we’re going to round up for brunch here at noon,’” Ms. Cleveland says. That way, you’ve put out the invitation and have still given them an opportunity to bow out.

(First published in The Globe and Mail, April 2012)

TIFF 2011: Your etiquette guide to getting past those velvet ropes

Posted on September 1, 2011 by Karen Cleveland

Just how far do immaculate manners go in lifting the velvet rope of the seemingly impermeable world that is the Toronto International Film Fest? You may be surprised. The best service-based spots in the city fill up fast, so you might find yourself jostling for a hair appointment alongside Keira Knightley or gunning to get into a bar in which Brad and Angelina are holding court.

Get creative. Be willing to shorten your requested service by settling for a blow-out rather than a full cut or taking a polish change over a manicure. With immaculate phone manners, politely ask to be added to a wait list, and check in regularly to see if anything has opened up. While no establishment would likely admit it, a lovely pleasant customer is more likely to find her name at the top of a waiting list than a gruff, demanding client.

Krista Foulis, spa director at Stillwater Spa at celebrity hotbed the Park Hyatt, agrees that patience and politeness go a long way. The spa gussies up their staff during TIFF and have even extended their hours occasionally, for, ahem, certain A-list clients. If the salon is fully booked, she reminds that in-room treatments might still be available. You could spring for a suite at the hotel and get gorgeous in your own room. Decadent–and worth every penny.

Late-night institution Goodnight is bound to be a TIFF destination, with a few A-list parties already slated for the spot. Owner Matt George prides himself on the neighbourhood vibe of the spot and loves it when customers treat the space like their own living room. But don’t dream of trying to grease a bouncer’s palm at Goodnight. Says George: “It’s all about building a relationship with the staff, so you can walk right in even if Brad Pitt is inside.” Get to it well become the film fest sweeps into town (as if you needed an excuse to drink another of their legendary Manhattans).

(First published in FASHION Magazine, September 2011)

A royal how-to: The top 5 tips on how to act (and what to wear!) when Kate and Will touch down in Canada

Posted on June 29, 2011 by Karen Cleveland

When Kate and Wills (ahem, the Duchess and Duke of Cambridge) begin their weeklong tour of Canada tomorrow, we can bet that you (or at least about a hundred people you know) will be jostling to rub elbows with them. And if there ever was a time to dream, this might just be your chance to get up-close and personal. If you’re indeed that lucky, you had better brush up on your regal conduct! We wouldn’t want to pull a Michelle Obama, would we?

For the most part, the conventions of royal encounters are just that: well-observed traditions, rather than draconian rules about how to conduct yourself. Want to charm the Duchess and Duke? Take note:

1. Observe and obey
Always wait for a dignitary to give you cues: they’ll speak to you first, extend their hand first, and begin their meal/tea first. Follow their lead, subject!

2. Mind your Ps and Qs
In addressing Will and Kate, you are to use “Your Royal Highness,” followed by “sir” or “ma’am.” For example: “Your Royal Highness, welcome to the Calgary Stampede. Your boots are lovely, ma’am.” And here’s one to save for a rainy day: if meeting the Queen, the same address applies—though “Your Royal Highness” should be upgraded to “Your Majesty.”

3. A soft touch
A gentle handshake (no boardroom power grip with a fierce pump here) accompanied by a curtsey bob is de rigueur for women. A head bow is customary for men. These softened conventions are modern takes on traditional greetings like court curtsies (a grand sweeping movement, right to the ground) and formal bows for gents.

4. Off with her head!
Note that even ever-graceful American First Lady Michelle Obama botched this traditional introduction when she met the Queen (moreover, she touched the Queen’s back and approached her from behind: all royal no-no’s). Despite the gaffes, she wasn’t escorted out or banished, so perhaps times are changing and traditions are softening. But, seriously, when does a woman get to curtsey? It’s the decorum equivalent of pulling out your best china and crystal. Go be fancy.

5. Dress the part
Channel your inner Kate and show off your signature colour in an elegant day dress. No costumes necessary—a simple and polished look does best.

(First published in FASHION Magazine, June 2011)

Cottage coveting

Posted on July 12, 2010 by Karen Cleveland

As much as hot summer nights in the city are relished, there is something to be said for heading north, to a quiet cottage retreat. If you’re fortunate enough to have access to such an abode, enjoy it. If not, you’re likely wondering how to subtly score an invitation.

Couple positive affirmation (envision your bikini-clad self on a dock) with some well-placed hints to those in your inner social circle. Is there a friend-of-a-good-friend that regularly hosts company? Let them know how much you’d love a little escape out of the city and that you’ve heard great things about their place.

And place your hints carefully… you don’t want a pity invite that will make you the 3rd wheel on a romantic getaway, or an odd addition to a family weekend.

If you get an invitation, jump on it with gratitude! Ask what time to arrive, what to bring, how many people will be there (plan to doing a meal for the host/other guests… ideally coupled with a few pitchers of something awesome). In addition to pitching in for consumables (by a cash contribution and/or bringing some to share), plan to help make meals, wash up after them and generally make yourself useful (try not to sleep until 1pm if the rest of the place starts sorting out breakfast at 10am, don’t highjack the iPod and self-appoint yourself the DJ).

Bring a little something for your hosts to show your thanks. More tips at http://www.shedoesthecity.com/give_good_guest — and load up on the SPF!

(First published on She Does the City, July 2010)

Sticky situation. getting rid of chewing gum without grossing people out

Posted on April 29, 2010 by Karen Cleveland

Before delving into how to get rid of gum tactfully, we’d be remised not to at least touch upon how to (or not) chew gum. Picture the stereotypical valley girl chomping on a piece of gum: mouth open, gratuitously snapping it…. yeah, just do the opposite of that. If you have gum, awesome (you offered everyone else a piece, right?) but no one needs to know about it or be made aware of its presence.

Likewise when you need to get rid of said gum, no one needs to see it.

Do not
· Stick it to anything; undersides of surfaces included (I know you bastards are out there)
· Toss it on the ground
· Spit it into or onto anything

Endeavour to
· Roll it back into its wrapper (or tissue, or scrap of paper, you get the gist)
· Discreetly put it into the garbage
· If no other options abound, swallow it. It will not, despite what our parents told us, stay in your stomach for years.

If you’ve been made a victim of a dirty-gum-sticker, grab some ice. Freezing it is the best way to remove gum from fabric.

(First published on She Does the City, April 2010)

Because it’s the right thing to do

Posted on April 1, 2010 by Karen Cleveland

There’s a draconian social code dictating that you tell someone when their fly is undone, that their skirt is tucked into their tights, and that there’s toilet paper stuff to their shoe. I like to think that our good-natured, polite ethos makes us feel just as comfortable telling a stranger at a restaurant any of the above, as we would telling a good friend.

In fact, recently SDTC’s very own belle of all things French and fabulous quietly and diplomatically told me when my lipgloss had gone renegade, and was smeared something awful. After all, what goes around comes around. And I’d rather hear that I’m looking like a hot mess/have something stuck in my teeth, than go about my day, ignorantly embarrassing myself.

So if that’s the light stuff, then….there’s the dreadful real stuff. The delicate, awkward territory that we’d prefer never to address with neither friend nor stranger…..you know, the stuff that makes your face scrunch up like you’ve sucked on a lemon: dental hygiene and dragon breath, body odour, reeking of smoke, or worse, horrible body odour. Perhaps the coward’s way out, but addressing this embarrassing stuff anonymously does the job with the least amount of damage. A discreet (DISCREET!) note folded and left on a chair, or tucked into a coat pocket that simply states the facts “there’s no easy way to say this, but if it were me, I’d want someone to tell me if my breath was terrible.”

It’s risky, true, but if this person is subject to gossip or teasing behind their back, step up and try and squash it. Pain for some gain?

(First published on She Does the City, April 2010)