Efficiency Shouldn’t Win Out Over Etiquette

Posted on March 12, 2013 by Karen Cleveland

When I read Nick Bilton’s piece Disruptions: Digital Era Redefining Etiquette, from my smart phone, in between replying to texts, I felt sad. A little sad for Nick’s friends who are now probably terrified to ever call him to catch up (gasp, such precious time wasted) but also a bit sad for someone who read it and thought, “this makes sense to me. I shouldn’t clog someone’s inbox with a thank you email. I will stop sending them.” Not so fast. Really, slow down.

Send those thank you emails. Send them liberally and sincerely.

Bilton suggests a continuum that suggests the more interaction required, the more taxing (and rude) that interaction must be. Therefore, efficiency and minimal interaction surely must be the apex of good etiquette. But etiquette has never been about efficiency. That’s why there are so many forks and fussy rules on how to use them. That is also why the art of penning a well-thought thank you note has never been more important. It’s not time wasted. It’s time invested.

And while efficiency is key, particularly in a business capacity (I too like doing business with smart people who are respectful of my time), I also appreciate doing business with nice people. Kindness and thoughtfulness go a long way in building and maintaining relationships, a distance that efficiency alone cannot.

Not every medium is conducive to the same degree of communications. Texting, email, phone calls, face-to-faces meetings and Twitter (as Bilton’s mom can attest to, he explains this is how they keep in touch) all have a role but they are not fungible. You can’t take out a phone conversation and plug in a Tweet as a replacement and not expect to loss some substance.

There are no “time wasting forms of communication,” just poorly chosen forms for certain occasions.

(First published on The Huffington Post Canada, March 2013)

The well-mannered year ahead: Kick off 2013 with some very polite resolutions

Posted on December 31, 2012 by Karen Cleveland

Karen Cleveland, Special to National Post

You don’t have to use a quill and inkwell, but handwritten thank-you notes will make all the difference in 2013.

Diets, schmiets. Such pedestrian resolutions are usually gone by spring, anyway. Reign in the unrealistic ambition and instead, consider your crisp new calendar the perfect opportunity to really commit to a better year. Karen Cleveland shares her tips on how to make 2013 your most polished, charmed, best year yet, one month at a time.

January: Give the consummate toast
The most memorable toasts are concise, eloquent and convey just the right amount of emotion. Start by surveying the scene. Everyone have a drink? Stand and clear your throat, or move to a more visible area to get their attention. Make your intentions known in a clear, confidence voice (fake one, if you lack one). “Thank you for coming, I’d like to raise a glass to [insert subject or occasion of your toast here].” Say a few kind words about your subject, then raise your glass higher and repeat the toastee’s name. People will drink on your cue. Purists don’t clink, they merely raise glasses. Larger audiences logistically prohibit a clink and eye contact with every single guest, so just do your best. If you are the subject being toasted, lucky you! Do not drink to yourself — simply sit back and revel in the moment.

February: Upgrade from emails to handwritten notes
I know, email is so much more convenient than sitting down to write notes by hand, but the same could be said of paper plates over dishes. Paper and handwriting is just, well, nicer. Stockpile some great stationary that you are actually excited to use and a surplus of stamps. Grab some scrap paper to scribble what you want to write and test out your pen. A good note should address the recipient (Dear friend), touch on the occasion (“Thank you for hosting an excellent dinner”) and any specifics (“Sorry again about that red wine incident, it’s a late Christmas miracle that it came out of the carpet”) and close with a fitting sign off (“Looking forward to returning your hospitality, Sincerely, you’). Sure, you could put this in an email, but doesn’t the medium elevate the message?

March: Make your bed every morning, all month
Making your bed is a metaphor. It sends a signal to the universe, and to yourself, that you set aside few moments of each day to add some order to your life. No matter how hellish your day was, you can take solace in knowing there is a tiny little sliver of civility waiting for you, in the form of a crisply made bed. Do it for a month and see how you feel. Such small daily rituals can set the tone for other things in life. Whether that tiny ritual is making your bed, in the morning, not going to sleep with a sink full of dirty dishes, or not using your front entrance way as a dumping ground, relish in some little practices that honour your nest.

April: Spring clean your online persona
If someone were to Google you right now, or creep your Facebook, Twitter or LinkedIn profile, what would they find? Years ago, before the marvels of social media, we lived private lives and actively chose what parts of ourselves we wanted to make public. Today that model is totally inverted. Take care of your online reputation in the same delicate way that you would your offline persona. Do some digging and relentlessly edit, untag and delete until you are happy with your online image.

May: Edit your closet
This is a considerable task to undertake but a gratifying and important one. Set aside a weekend day. Begin by taking everything out of your wardrobe and sorting it into three piles. Pile one is for things you regularly wear and that are in good repair. A second pile is for things that you want to wear, but need some love. The final pile is for items fit to donate or if they are beyond that, shred into rags. Remove this third pile from your home immediately, as you’ll be instantly more motivated with a good purge under your belt. Take things to be mended, pressed, polished or sewn as needed, then put everything back into your wardrobe in a state that it is ready to be worn. Rotate items so forgotten pieces get their due, and if space is an issue, store your fall and winter items separately (under the bed storage boxes to the rescue).You’ll likely realize that most of the items you pitched were things you never really needed to buy, or they were of such poor quality, they fell apart. Shop smart by sticking to well-made things that you’ll actually wear, and that are on point with your social and professional life.

June: Make memorable introductions
Your dazzling handshake should be accompanied by your first and last name when introducing yourself. If you struggle remembering names, try repeating the name of the person you just met (“nice to meet you, Robin”). You can try to draw some recall connections, like reminding yourself that Robin is wearing red. When introducing two people, introduce up. If you introducing your intern to you president, you would say, “President, may I introduce you to our newest intern, John”. A person of high rank, importance or seniority (I know, I cringe at that too) is named first and receives the introduction. If you are introducing two peers that haven’t met, providing some context can help the conversation along. For example, “I’ve been meaning to introduce you. John, meet Mike. You both spent time in Italy last year.”

July: Be the best damn cottage guest
Charm your hosts so much and you just might score invitations for every weekend until Labour Day. Confirm what time you should arrive so you don’t surprise your hosts and arrive with something awesome for them. Help with meal preparations and clean up and make your stay as least invasive as possible. That means not taking over the entire bathroom vanity, hijacking the iPod with your music or leaving your wet towel and stack of magazines on the dock. Thank your hosts for having you with a thoughtful handwritten note, which you mastered back in February, right?

August: Throw an “oh, it’s nothing” weeknight dinner party
Summer entertaining is inherently casual, so ever an intimidated host can pull together a Wednesday night dinner party with ease. Gorgeous fresh produce, BBQs and long, lazy nights beckon for unfussy dinners. Invite your guests a week or so out, then use that week to set aside mini tasks. Shop for beer and wine one night, stock up on ice the next, buy flowers the night before, and before you know it, the night of your dinner will only need your actual meal preparation. Grill everything you possibly can: some bread to serve with a salad to start, fish, meat, veggies or pizza for a main, then some fruit (serve over ice cream) for dessert. A bucket of beer and wine on ice within arm’s reach, a plethora of white candles and a laid-back soundtrack for the night and you’re set. Best part of grilling your entire meal? Very few dishes to wash up.

September: Pour the perfect cocktail
Chalk it up to the revelry of TIFF or the siren call of comfort cocktails, but when temperatures dip, I’m ready for a proper drink. Master a classic cocktail that you like to drink, perhaps an Old Fashioned, Tom Collins, Manhattan or Negroni. Stock up on quality ingredients and barware then enlist a trusted group of tasters to sample your concoctions. Warning: your skills are bound to improve with every round you serve them: it’s just science. Feel free to tinker with a trusted recipe, but only after you’ve mastered the purist’s version.

October: Nail a power lunch (or breakfast, or dinner)
Breaking bread with a client can galvanize a relationship. Or ruin it. Pick a date and time first, then choose a venue that is reputable, conducive to talking business and conveniently located for your guest. Make a reservation. If you are going to try for a table at a hotspot that doesn’t take reservations, get there very, very early as not to keep your guest waiting twenty minutes for a table. Give them the better seat at the table and keep your phone off of the table. Instagramming your meal is verboten. Settle into some small talk (read the headlines that day) before delving into shop talk. When the bill comes, they who did the inviting typically grabs the cheque, but to hell with that custom if grabbing the bill saves you from an awkward moment. Follow up from your meal with whatever you promised you would and if it seems natural, touch on something non-business related, for example, “thanks for your time over lunch, Nicole. Attached is the concept we discussed. Have a great time at the Brickworks this weekend with your daughter.”

November: Call in sick like a grownup
Cold and flu season isn’t fun for anyone, so coming to work when you are knowingly contagious is a cardinal sin. Spare your colleagues from your gnarly germs by staying home. Call or email your boss explaining that you are staying home sick for the day (text message is likely too casual a medium to convey this). Touch on who-can-cover-off-what in your absence, and if you hazard a guess, say when you expect to be back in fine fighting form. No need to go into gory details, but a cursory descriptor of what ails you should suffice.

December: Indulge in a bit of the good life
In a month saturated with shopping and hosting others, what is the harm in picking up a little something for yourself? Treat yourself to something that your heart desires. Surely those lovely sheets, fancy stemware or decadent bottle of scotch will benefit your guests just as much as you, right? ‘Tis the season!

(Published first in the National Post, December 2012)

Why Your Company Should Consider Topless Meetings

Posted on October 13, 2012 by Karen Cleveland

A friend of mine, Max Valiquette, introduced me to the term “topless meetings.” Before you forward this to your HR manager, the expression refers to a tabletop staying free of devices during meetings. No laptops. No iPhones. No iPads. No Blackberries. Nothing that requires a charge.

The idea underpinning device-free meetings is that such gadgets can prove more distracting than helpful. Ever had to reiterate a point because it was lost on someone reading an email (or checking Twitter, or any other activity our handhelds gloriously afford)? Or worse, had to ask for clarification because you were more caught up in your iPhone than the discussion? Therein lies the case for banning devices from meetings.

How meetings are conducted varies widely by company, and drastically by sector. So before crafting a memo lobbying for (or against) topless meetings, take careful stock of how meetings go down in your office, and of course, how critical your device is to your role.

When you pack up for your next meeting and look longingly at your phone, consider…

Are you chairing the meeting?

Permissible to bring your device, but plan to talk. A lot. If you are easily tempted to check your phone to the point it may affect your ability to lead the meeting, perhaps leave it at your desk.

Are you responsible for taking notes and sending a follow up?

Your task requires full concentration, so take notes eagerly. Having a calendar might be handy for follow up scheduling purposes, so be ready to whip one (electronic or paper) out.

Room full of clients or a very serious meeting topic?

Writing notes by hand sends an obvious signal to those around the table that you’re fully present. If taking notes on a phone, they might (might!) wonder if you’re working or playing as you type a

Is your name on the company plaque out front?

By all means. Do whatever you like, boss.

Whether your phone stays on the table in front of you, or tucked away at your desk, be mindful of the chorus of rings and beeps it sends off. Silent or whisper quiet tones are office friendly. And check your settings to see whether your phone previews text that might not be ideal for the office.

(First published on The Huffington Post Canada, October 2012)

All devices off of the table

Posted on October 13, 2012 by Karen Cleveland

(A friend of mine introduced me to the term “topless meetings”. Before you forward this to your HR manager, the expression refers to a tabletop staying free of devices during meetings. No laptops. No iPhones. No iPads. No Blackberries. Nothing that requires a charge. The idea underpinning device-free meetings is that such gadgets can prove more distracting than helpful. Ever had to reiterate a point because it was lost on someone reading an email (or checking Twitter, or any other activity our handhelds gloriously afford)? Or worse, had to ask for clarification because you were more caught up in your iPhone than the discussion? Therein lays the case for banning devices from meetings.

When you pack up for your next meeting and look longingly at your phone, consider…

Are you chairing the meeting?

Permissible to bring your device, but plan to talk. A lot. If you are easily tempted to check your phone to the point it may affect your ability to lead the meeting, perhaps leave it at your desk.

Are you responsible for taking notes and sending a follow up?

Your task requires full concentration, so take notes eagerly. Having a calendar might be handy for follow up scheduling purposes, so be ready to whip one (electronic or paper) out.

Room full of clients or a very serious meeting topic?

Writing notes by hand sends an obvious signal to those around the table that you’re fully present. If taking notes on a phone, they might (might!) wonder if you’re working or playing as you type away.

Is your name on the company plague out front?

By all means. Do whatever you like, boss.

(First published on She Does The City, October 2012)

Revealing your new single status online can set Facebook ‘friends’ buzzing

Image

by Rosemary Counter

“The heart was meant to be broken,” Oscar Wilde said famously. Then again, he wasn’t on Facebook.

As if breakups weren’t bad enough, Facebook puts another nail in the coffin: A little red broken heart icon that advertises your new “single” status to 500 of your closest friends.

When 27-year-old Laura caught her boyfriend cheating, via Facebook no less, she promptly changed her status — online and in real life — to single. But it wasn’t as simple as checking another box.

“It was bad when people like your 53-year-old aunt have to see personal stuff,” says Laura. “They’re just there to keep in touch and see photos, not be witness to my drama.”

Worse was feedback from the peanut gallery. Convinced they were reveling in I-told-you-so’s, Laura received a handful of unwanted notes.

“Married women from high school were telling me to not worry, someday I’ll find someone,” she fumes. “We haven’t talked in five years and now you decide to contact me?”

This story has all kinds of Facebook faux pas, says Karen Cleveland, an etiquette expert in Toronto. “There’s a handy little tool that removes your relationship status altogether, so you’d never have to contend with this issue,” she says. But if broadcasting your bedfellows is important to you –which for some people, particularly women, it is — follow this simple rule: “If you wouldn’t talk about it a cocktail party, don’t post it online,” says Cleveland.

And for those sitting on the status fence, consider this: Starting in 2010, Facebook plugged your heartbreak into a large-scale study to analyze when your relationship is most likely to heat up and sizzle out.

For the romantics, expect a relationship spike on Valentine’s Day (with 49% more new relationships than breakups) and Christmas (a close second at 34% more hookups). April Fool’s Day also sees an odd increase, though April 2nd sees an instant reversal (hilarious, you guys).

And for the cynics, some breakup stats: It seems Fridays and Saturdays are peak breakup days, as is the entire summer season. So after a boozy long weekend in August, expect a slew of sad broken hearts in your morning newsfeed.

“Emoticons cheapen real emotions,” says Cleveland. “That nasty little icon can’t possibly capture someone’s feelings,” she says, and your casual e-response isn’t helping. Resist a sad face, a dramatic “OMG!” or, even worse, “liking” their breakup. “If you know the wounded well, respond offline. Call them up or send them flowers,” advises Cleveland. Otherwise, zippit.

For those craving the silent treatment, try 25-year-old Briar’s breakup trick. “Because we had a hundred mutual friends, and I didn’t want to make a scene, I discreetly made my status private. Two months later, after a buffer to tell people myself, I was ready to be “single” online,” she says. These days, now that the breakup news has sufficiently made the rounds, she’s back to keeping her status private for good. “No one needs to know anything. It’s nobody’s business.”

Hear that, social media gossips? Even treading carefully, Briar still got awkward messages of people wanting dirty details (quit doing that, folks!). She resisted both the urge to vent and to tell people to butt out, as there’s good etiquette for dealing with Nosy Nancys too.

“Respond when you’re ready, as you feel comfortable. Appreciate their concerns, but don’t feel obligated to say more,” says Cleveland.

But if a genuine friend reaches out to you, by all means take up their offer for support. Breakups are always tough — even tougher in a public medium — and some in-person friend time might be just the thing. Over wine, just like Oscar Wilde would.

(First published in the Toronto Sun, Winnipeg Sun and 24 Hours Vancouver, April 2012)

Don’t kill dating potential with bad social networking

Posted on April 25, 2011 by Karen Cleveland

by Constance Droganes, entertainment writer, CTV.ca

Many people today use social media technology to hook up -- or break up. But even social networking pros can commit huge dating faux pas -- just check out the new movie "Textuality," starring Jason Lewis, if you don't believe it.

The film's plot revolves around two people trying to embark on relationships through social media. That catch, however, is that they are also using the same technology to free themselves from multiple existing relationships.

That, says Toronto etiquette expert Karen Cleveland, is a major dating no-no.

"When you're dealing with social media, we tend to multi-task almost to a fault. It's one thing to BBM someone when you're in bed at the end of the day. It's quite another when you're endlessly texting or tweeting at a party in front of friends or potentials partners," said Cleveland, a marketing and branding consultant at St. Joseph Media in Toronto.

Cleveland launched her etiquette column, Finishing School in 2007. It was shaped, in large part, by experiences in the branding world.

"For me working with brands and thinking about etiquette and manners connected a lot of dots," Cleveland told CTV.ca.

"Today's technology is so wonderful and nimble. You can communicate with people 24/7. But in terms of relationships, some old conventions still apply."

It all boils down to showing respect to the people you are around, as well as the people you communicating with in social media networks.

"I think the problem many of us face today is that social networking makes people passive. You can put your convenience, and your gutlessness, ahead of facing the music and dealing with another person's feelings, especially if you are breaking up with them," she said.

"Remember that 'Sex and the City' episode where Carrie gets dumped via a Post-It note? What we're dealing with today is along the same continuum. But a relationship is still a relationship," according to Cleveland. "You can't get off scot-free, especially when it comes to ending an affair."

Cleveland offers these tips to keep your image and your social networking style in top order on the dating scene.

1. It's so easy to vent nowadays. But keep your dirty laundry off Facebook or Twitter. "If it's on the Internet it's out there forever. Don't use those platforms if you're really upset about something and if you're not comfortable with the boss reading about your broken heart," said Cleveland.

2. Social networking is very quick and nimble. But technology like this can't replace or eliminate real, face-to-face interaction. As Cleveland said, "When you're at a party and you turn your back from the people in the room to text and tweet several others that sends the wrong message. It's not polite. Not by a long shot."

3. By the same token, you're always glancing at other people's phones when you are out with friends or dates people break the habit. "That tells people that the phones and the tweets are more important to you than them," said Cleveland.

4. A human connection is a connection. So if you click with someone, you'll probably like they way they sound in person or in a text. "A person's tone always rings through," said Cleveland. "Technology is a great supplement. But it's no replacement for that special quality we convey in face-to-face communication."

(Originally published on CTV, April 2011)