Efficiency Shouldn’t Win Out Over Etiquette

Posted on March 12, 2013 by Karen Cleveland

When I read Nick Bilton’s piece Disruptions: Digital Era Redefining Etiquette, from my smart phone, in between replying to texts, I felt sad. A little sad for Nick’s friends who are now probably terrified to ever call him to catch up (gasp, such precious time wasted) but also a bit sad for someone who read it and thought, “this makes sense to me. I shouldn’t clog someone’s inbox with a thank you email. I will stop sending them.” Not so fast. Really, slow down.

Send those thank you emails. Send them liberally and sincerely.

Bilton suggests a continuum that suggests the more interaction required, the more taxing (and rude) that interaction must be. Therefore, efficiency and minimal interaction surely must be the apex of good etiquette. But etiquette has never been about efficiency. That’s why there are so many forks and fussy rules on how to use them. That is also why the art of penning a well-thought thank you note has never been more important. It’s not time wasted. It’s time invested.

And while efficiency is key, particularly in a business capacity (I too like doing business with smart people who are respectful of my time), I also appreciate doing business with nice people. Kindness and thoughtfulness go a long way in building and maintaining relationships, a distance that efficiency alone cannot.

Not every medium is conducive to the same degree of communications. Texting, email, phone calls, face-to-faces meetings and Twitter (as Bilton’s mom can attest to, he explains this is how they keep in touch) all have a role but they are not fungible. You can’t take out a phone conversation and plug in a Tweet as a replacement and not expect to loss some substance.

There are no “time wasting forms of communication,” just poorly chosen forms for certain occasions.

(First published on The Huffington Post Canada, March 2013)

Five Ways to Holiday Shopping Salvation

Posted on December 17, 2012 by Karen Cleveland

A daunting shopping list, annoying music at full volume, crowds of people walking with their heads down texting…welcome to the fresh hell that is holiday shopping.

The stress of shopping can make even the most festive, patient person want to start throwing elbows, but some of the trauma can be curbed.

Mind your manners
Basic, I know, but you’ll less likely to exit a store in a huff over a brash salesperson if you give them the most pleasant version of yourself that you can muster. Kindness begets kindness.

Shop online
Save yourself the grief of braving the crowds and smugly shop from your couch in your PJ’s. Ensure the delivery time fits your needs.

Have a realistic list
A list of the people you have to buy for is a great start, but won’t help you much when you’re blankly staring at the store directory. Have a few items written out for each person you need to buy for. If you can knock off several items in one store, your trip will be that much more efficient.

Be prepared
If you head out to shop on a Saturday afternoon, you’re in for a more intense experience than if you were to duck out for an early Monday evening shop. Ensure that you are fed, caffeinated, and wearing comfortable clothes. Leave the massive puffer coat or towering heels for another day.

Work the system
Scope out the concierge services to see if you can check your coat or purchases as you shop. Is there gift wrapping you can take advantage of? Buy smaller, more portable items first, then save heavy items for last so you’re not stuck lugging them around.

First published on The Huffington Post Canada, December 2012

Why Your Company Should Consider Topless Meetings

Posted on October 13, 2012 by Karen Cleveland

A friend of mine, Max Valiquette, introduced me to the term “topless meetings.” Before you forward this to your HR manager, the expression refers to a tabletop staying free of devices during meetings. No laptops. No iPhones. No iPads. No Blackberries. Nothing that requires a charge.

The idea underpinning device-free meetings is that such gadgets can prove more distracting than helpful. Ever had to reiterate a point because it was lost on someone reading an email (or checking Twitter, or any other activity our handhelds gloriously afford)? Or worse, had to ask for clarification because you were more caught up in your iPhone than the discussion? Therein lies the case for banning devices from meetings.

How meetings are conducted varies widely by company, and drastically by sector. So before crafting a memo lobbying for (or against) topless meetings, take careful stock of how meetings go down in your office, and of course, how critical your device is to your role.

When you pack up for your next meeting and look longingly at your phone, consider…

Are you chairing the meeting?

Permissible to bring your device, but plan to talk. A lot. If you are easily tempted to check your phone to the point it may affect your ability to lead the meeting, perhaps leave it at your desk.

Are you responsible for taking notes and sending a follow up?

Your task requires full concentration, so take notes eagerly. Having a calendar might be handy for follow up scheduling purposes, so be ready to whip one (electronic or paper) out.

Room full of clients or a very serious meeting topic?

Writing notes by hand sends an obvious signal to those around the table that you’re fully present. If taking notes on a phone, they might (might!) wonder if you’re working or playing as you type a

Is your name on the company plaque out front?

By all means. Do whatever you like, boss.

Whether your phone stays on the table in front of you, or tucked away at your desk, be mindful of the chorus of rings and beeps it sends off. Silent or whisper quiet tones are office friendly. And check your settings to see whether your phone previews text that might not be ideal for the office.

(First published on The Huffington Post Canada, October 2012)

Five Unique Hostess Gifts For That Last Summer Invite

Posted on September 21, 2012 by Karen Cleveland

There’s no more avoiding the obvious: the last weekend of summer is looming. Hopefully the past few months held long, languorous days devoted to soaking up the sun in good company. If a trip away for Labour Day weekend is in the cards, bringing along something nice for your host could keep you as a guest in good standing.

Flowers or a great bottle of wine are always good, safe bets, but if you’re jockeying to be top of mind for the first long weekend invite for next spring, it might be time to stock some other gifts.

Books

Nothing says unabashed relaxation more than being horizontal with a book. If you know your host well enough, you could pick up a display-worthy coffee table book on a topic they are into. If you know them intimately and think they share your taste in literature, you could pick up copies of some of your favourite reads.

Magazines For The Year

Magazine subscriptions are the gift that keeps on giving. If you have a sense of what they read and subscribe to, you could bring the latest issue of a magazine with a note explaining that you’ve arranged for year’s subscription.

Food

Foods that can be lazily grazed on are perfect because they don’t impede your host’s planned menu or cramp their kitchen. Bring along fresh baked goods to add to tomorrow’s breakfast table, or visit a great patisserie for treats — like fresh marshmallows and macaroons — that will last for a few days. Buy twice the amount and you’ll even have excellent snacks for the drive….

Booze

Not to knock the ubiquitous bottle of wine, but there are boundless options when it comes to boozy gifts. Bring along the ingredients for a classic cocktail (Negronis are my favourite) and a classic shaker, or find a gorgeous pitcher and whip up a few batches of sangria. Just ensure you’ve brought all the ingredients to keep out of your host’s hair.

Coffee and tea

Put together a basket of some freshly ground high-end coffee and some gorgeous teas. It could also be packaged prettily into a teapot or a French press — salvation for a die-hard coffee drinker should they find themselves a guest in the home of a non-coffee drinking host.

(Published first on The Huffington Post Canada, August 2012)

Five Unique Hostess Gifts For That Last Summer Invite

Posted on August 21, 2012 by Karen Cleveland

Books

Nothing says unabashed relaxation more than being horizontal with a book. If you know your host well enough, you could pick up a display-worthy coffee table book on a topic they are into. If you know them intimately and think they share your taste in literature, you could pick up copies of some of your favourite reads.

Magazines For The Year

Magazine subscriptions are the gift that keeps on giving. If you have a sense of what they read and subscribe to, you could bring the latest issue of a magazine with a note explaining that you’ve arranged for year’s subscription.

Food

Foods that can be lazily grazed on are perfect because they don’t impede your host’s planned menu or cramp their kitchen. Bring along fresh baked goods to add to tomorrow’s breakfast table, or visit a great patisserie for treats — like fresh marshmallows and macaroons — that will last for a few days. Buy twice the amount and you’ll even have excellent snacks for the drive….

Booze

Not to knock the ubiquitous bottle of wine, but there are boundless options when it comes to boozy gifts. Bring along the ingredients for a classic cocktail (Negronis are my favourite) and a classic shaker, or find a gorgeous pitcher and whip up a few batches of sangria. Just ensure you’ve brought all the ingredients to keep out of your host’s hair.

Coffee and tea

Put together a basket of some freshly ground high-end coffee and some gorgeous teas. It could also be packaged prettily into a teapot or a French press — salvation for a die-hard coffee drinker should they find themselves a guest in the home of a non-coffee drinking host.

(Published first on The Huffington Post Canada, August 2012)

Good date, bad kisser. How to bow out.

Posted on July 16, 2012 by Karen Cleveland

For some time, I have been wallowing in the awkwardness of a moment. It took a little while to wrap my head around what happened, and reflect on the situation.

I kissed the world’s worst kisser.

It happened the old-fashioned romantic way (leaving a bar) and the anticipation was fantastic, the stuff of teenage goose bumps. The minutes leading up it I was smitten, had mentally decorated our hypothetical beach house and was excited for this kiss. Careful what you wish for, they say.

By all possible measures, it was the worst kiss. Technically, the approach and the execution were abysmal but the real injustice was that this awful kiss was on the heels of a really, really good date. So how does one dance around the question of, “When can I see you again?” when the answer isn’t one the asker wants to hear? Where does honesty merge with decorum?

What I wanted to say was, “I’d love to see you again, but you are the world’s worst kisser, so I’m sorry, I think we should part ways.” And ideally, shouted over my shoulder as I sprint in the other direction. But what I say, once I regained rightful control of my mouth, was, “Thanks for a great night” and bought myself some time to think. In the spirit of if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all, I wanted until there was a solid invitation to address it. And I wanted to communicate a polite decline in such a way that no one had to feel burned by it. I stand by my theory that there is a lid for every pot: one day he will kiss someone who kisses in the exact same way and they’ll both feel the earth move beneath them.

A 1950s etiquette book reminds us that it is always a woman’s prerogative to refuse an invitation, and it is never necessary to make detailed explanations as to why she cannot accept an invitation. The modern footnote to this is the soft decline. My parting words were along the lines of he is fun to be around (true), I had a great night (also true) but I’m just not feeling like this will move on to anything, that perhaps we’re not compatible (obviously true).

So I kissed and told, but modestly spared the gory details.

Pity, it was such a good date.

(First published on The Huffington Post Canada, July 2012)

Group Travel Tips: On Keeping the Peace

Posted on July 5, 2012 by Karen Cleveland

Another glorious summer long weekend has passed, perhaps you were lucky enough to jet someplace fabulous, or pile into the car for a road trip. There is nothing quite like travelling to cement a relationship. The gloves come off, so to speak. When cramped quarters, jet lag or language barriers are factored in, true colours are unabashedly revealed.

Most travel let-downs can be quelled by discussing how you see things shaking out…

Arrange a pre-departure coffee or cocktail with your travel mates to chat about the big picture stuff. Will you share a room? Is the plan to travel together the entire time, or are you hoping to break off for a few days by yourself? Now is the time, well before the trip, to discuss these particulars.

Try to really, really relax. Hours cramped into a car or on a plane, lack of sleep, and the other less sexy elements of travelling take their toll on the most positive people. Take it easy on your companions, be the first to help them out and they’ll do the same for you.

Resist the urge to over-plan a trip and keep a few things in mind that you can do alone. Throwing your running shoes into your bag can offer up a short reprieve and some time for yourself, which might be desperately needed. Inevitably, not everyone shares the same interests, and everyone relaxes in their own way.

Respect communal space. By all means settle into holiday mode, but be mindful of the spaces you share with your travel companions. The vanity isn’t your own personal primping area. Your iPod isn’t necessarily the soundtrack for the group. The teeny tiny closet isn’t just for your belongings.

Lastly, avoid quibbling over cash. Don’t fret over petty spending. A meal here, or a taxi ride there, isn’t worth fretting over and will only put a damper on your trip. In fact, you might want to establish a convivial vibe from the start by picking up the first round of celebratory drinks.

(First published on The Huffington Post Canada, July 2012)

How to Make Summer Drinks Look Sexy

Posted on June 17, 2012 by Karen Cleveland

You need not be a mixologist or have a fully stocked bar to serve up something fabulous for your guests.

Pretty up your bubbly. There is something undeniably convivial and festive about popping open a bottle of bubbly. Prosecco is my go-to to stockpile year round and serve. For summer, doll it up with berries, citrus zest, or a splash of a good quality fruit juice (pear and peach are nice).
Use frozen fruit as souped up ice cubes. They won’t dilute a drink the way ice does, plus the effect looks summery, adding some colour and flavour as they melt. Grab a few extra ice cubes trays and freeze the fruit of your choice in them.
Whip up fancy syrups. Bring two parts sugar to one part water to boil in a pot. Once simmering, toss in a handful of herbs from your garden and leave it for a few minutes. Cool and strain, and mix away. Gin is fantastic with savouries like thyme and rosemary.
Master a sangria. Experiment with a few recipes to get one that you love (weekend drinking assignment!). Sangrias are the stews of cocktails, in the sense that you can add almost anything you’ve got on hand. They are also great for putting otherwise mediocre wines to work. Stick with dry wines as sangria is sweetened by the other ingredients. Try white sangria with Pinot Grigio or cava, a liquer (cointreau, brandy) and any white flesh fruit like peaches or pears. Add your juice of choice to taste. Or, grab a bottle of Rioja, brandy, and pomegranate juice and whatever berries you can find for a classic red sangria.
Muddle the waters. White spirits like rum and vodka are easily paired with soda and can be muddled with whatever herbs and fruit you have handy. Rum, lime and mint make for a classic mojito, or try blueberries with thyme, or basil with berries. Vodka, watermelon and mint are summer in a glass, too.

We can’t talk cocktails without mentioning responsible hosting. Always stock tons of non-alcoholic options and feed your guests liberally. Be mindful of how much you drink, so you can look after your guests.

Happy hosting!

(First published on The Huffington Post Canada, June 2012)

Should Mothers Get Presents Post-Birth?

Posted on June 4, 2012 by Karen Cleveland

Traditional etiquette suggests, never demands, that certain life occasions call for gifts. Presents, of course are never mandatory, but let’s be real: attending a birthday party, wedding or shower typically means bringing a gift.

Modern twists continue to shape protocol (diamond solitaire engagement rings are a relatively new phenomena, for example) on what items mark various occasions. The concept of the “push present” is yet another shining example.

Notionally, I get it. A proud new father witnesses the love of his life enduring the miracle of birth and wants to give her something nice for her hardship/efforts/bravery/magic. But are push presents now a thing? Hollywood says so. Jessica Simpson was lavished by her baby’s daddy with a collection of bespoke jewelry. Rachel Zoe’s husband Rodger Bermann gave her a 10 carat diamond ring after the arrival of their son. Nicole Kidman was treated to a Cartier Trinity dazzler to mark the birth of their daughter. Marc Anthony bestowed his now ex Jennifer Lopez a canary yellow diamond ring rumoured to be worth more than $300,000 after their twins were born.

All of this got me thinking — once I was able to move past the awful moniker of “push present” — so I undertook a national scientific study* (*asked my followers on Twitter). I was surprised by the discussions it sparked.

Marc Rigaux, about to be a first-time father any day now, feels the push present is akin to a food craving. “I think there is a nine month window where women can tell men anything and we have to believe them.”

JJ Thompson, proud papa to two cuties says, “personally, not my thing. The best gift a father can give is agreeing with everything, listening to instructions and changing diapers.”

The phenomena is apparently bona fide for Manhattan moms. New York-based photographer Michael Williams says push presents are “definitely a real thing. Pretty much every woman I know has either been given a push present, or given themselves one.” And in keeping with this, he treated his wife to a luxe handbag before their son came along.

Not yet a mom, but with a bun in the oven, Nicole Paara had absolutely no idea what a push present was. “Is that present a beer? A glass of wine? A high five? Or are we talking diamonds? This is a foreign concept to me, though I must say some kind of treat (other than that beautiful baby you just went through hell to push out of your body) I’m sure would go over well with any exhausted, emotional, hormonal woman.” She does offer a small caveat, that “though I wouldn’t turn my nose up at jewelery, I’d suggest sticking to anything that can be worn even with swollen joints.” Smart woman.

Marsha Mowers, mother of a handsome little devil, shared a similar sentiment: “The thought of being rewarded for giving birth to my child never even crossed my mind when I was pregnant. A day of relaxation a few weeks later at a spa to help me feel like a semi-normal woman again? Definitely. But a piece of jewelery or some other lavish gift to commemorate the occasion? That seems a bit self-serving to me.”

Megan McChesney, in the final stretch of her first pregancy, has heard some dads-to-be describe it as a nice way to acknowledge all of the hard work that moms-to-be do during pregnancy and delivery. She adds, “I would just hate to see it become one more obligatory present that couples feel they have to indulge in — there is enough to buy when you have a baby on the way.” It may be worth noting, because it is a cute story, that Megan received her push present in advance, a pre-push present, she has dubbed it, in the form of an an Xbox.

The takeaway? It truly is the thought that counts. A gift offered out of a sense of obligation or duty just doesn’t feel as good to give or receive as something that comes from the heart. Even if it is rooted in a bump.

(First published on The Huffington Post Canada, June 2012)